Everybody who is anybody back home (Aotearoa/ New Zealand) is hot on the heels of a young gun gang, they claim to enjoy gang banging girls, under age girls, drunk girls, girls who don’t have the capacity or the strength or the sobriety to fight back, literally.

Public opinion is divided, like we’ve noted with multiple rape cases around the world, the spectrum of ‘boys will be boys’ through to ‘man hunt who wants to join?’ illuminates the startling catchment of attitudes towards sexual violence. I say ‘startling’ because you might think you know someone, a friend, a colleague, a guy you smile at on the bus – only to be completely taken aback with comments like ‘oh we don’t know the full story’ or ‘she was asking for it’ which I think is really, a lazy response to something said sayer obviously has no experience with beyond saying something about it.

It’s a bit like discussing the snow standing in the desert, or giving a tourist directions aware they speak no English at all, yet still trying to illustrate a path – an experience – with your hands, the tone of your voice, a map, anything. People who find it easy to throw blunt statements around are not necessarily rapists or perverts addicted to fantasy rape porn, they aren’t necessarily heartless, caring about something doesn’t give you the same kudos as doing something – but it goes a long way in helping to shape an environment of openness that rallies for boundaries of safety and freedom of expression that doesn’t cause harm to anybody beyond said self – expressing itself.

The purpose of this post is not an eagle eye, it’s an attempt to reach out from my own experience of what it’s like to be impacted by another person’s desires, actions and thoughts, with no time or consultation to react, partake or remedy a happening beyond my control. It’s a bit like driving, you have full volition, charge of the vehicle, well, take into account the conditions, and suddenly the wheel is taken from you and where you were going changes completely. You might end up somewhere you’ve never been, with no idea how to get back. You might go off the path completely and end yourself to have control, over that at least.

It takes great strength to heal from from being raped, it takes great love to find the strength within yourself to take that wheel back and start a new journey. There is no way to explain the anger, the trauma and the long years many victims spend blaming themselves, intent not to be a victim, not to give in, only to spend all their energy creating walls. The clearest message you can send is letting young people around you know that they are loved, they are supported and you will believe in them and look at them the same, no matter what. You will trust them and look up to them like a hero, for having the bravery and the mana to share their world with you.