I always say morena to the local dairy owners on my way past. Regardless of whether I need to top up my oyster card or ask a quick question about the buses or to have a general whinge about the cold weather, they always have something kind to say and today was no exception. I’ve been sick lately, I came down with a fever. The last few days have consisted of tummy aches, whoozy spells, fatigue and a general self loathing ‘oh why are you sick? you can’t be serious?’
When I popped my head into the dairy this morning on my way to grab a coffee, I was met with looks of concern ‘we haven’t seen you for days? we wondered if you were sick or had moved on?’ I told them about my whoozy spells and fatigue, the raging fever and strange dreams. The man of the business, the top dog who is calm but commands respect, shared a great nugget of wisdom with me, it wasn’t what I expected from him. I can hardly imagine him sick and vulnerable. I learned that with great mana, comes great vulnerability:
When winter comes my nose blocks right up. Here, at the top. I feel everything change. The world changes. I become very heavy and I wheeze. Do you know that feeling of being underneath yourself? Feeling weighed down? I get like that. I become very scared. When I go to sleep I miss India, night time in India the house is a ghost, nobody moves, you have everybody you care for under one roof. When the cold comes here, I go there, to the ghost town in my mind and I get scared that I am going to pass out of this world. I cannot breathe, my mind goes away from my body. When I wake up in the morning I feel lucky to be alive, alive to go back to the place in my dreams, in my own body, one day.